FICTION - Zen Pudding

Koans

(Zen riddles for meditation)

Entering the forest, he moves not the grass
For his lawn mower is broken.

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He who knows does not say
For who can get in a word otherwise?

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One word determines the whole world
But it took six words to tell you that.

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Ever onward to where the waters have an end
For an end is like a bachelor’s party only wetter.

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If you meet an enlightened man in the street
Invite him to lunch but don’t expect him to pick up the check.

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The secret bird manifests eternal truth
But it lives in a cage so how much can it really know?

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Sitting quietly, doing nothing
Such is the life of the lazy.

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The water before and the water after
And the soap goes in between.

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If you do not get truth from yourself
Try putting it on layaway.

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If you wish to know the road up the mountain
Subscribe to National Geographic.

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The wild geese do not intend to cast a reflection
And they don’t use a blinker when changing lanes.

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From of old there were not two paths
And this backed up traffic considerably.

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We all know the sound of two hands clapping
But when only one hand is clapping
We try to be as quiet as possible and clean up afterwards.


Zen and the Art of Unicycle Maintenance

A Zen master once said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a modest accumulation of frequent flyer miles. However, he added, enlightenment can also be reached by unicycle or the New Jersey Turnpike, the first of which is addressed in this short essay.

One wheel representing the one way of Zen; two pedals for the dual nature of existence and three juggling balls in case you’re offered a job in the circus. Riding a unicycle requires balance, as does the yoga of a Zen disciple; and for the health conscious Zen disciple there is low-fat yoga on a sugar-free cone. Learning to ride a unicycle requires practice and devotion, as does Zen meditation and tax evasion.

The way of Zen is to make sure the tire is suitably inflated with hot air, which can be readily provided by any Zen master. The Zen master says always wear a helmet in case you fall or happen to be riding under the lotus tree when Nirvana comes crashing down. And lastly, if you must ride a unicycle to reach enlightenment, remember to make reservations ahead of time and always travel in the bike lane or you will surely become one with the pavement.

The Parable of the Vine

The Zen master spoke a parable:
A wise man was crossing a field when a tiger began to chase him. He grabbed a vine and swung over the edge of a cliff, dangling just out of the hungry tiger’s reach. When he looked below him, he saw another tiger waiting to devour him below. Soon a pair of mice, one white and one black, began nibbling on the vine. The wise man then convinced the mice there was no God, which filled them with such existential dread they lost their appetite. As for the tigers, he sold them a beachfront condo in Florida and they traveled south to enjoy retirement.

The Parable of the Thief

A Zen master lived the simplest kind of life. One night a thief came into his house to rob him but found no possessions to steal. The Zen master took off his clothes and gave them to the thief, who slinked away into the night. Later, the Zen master sat naked in his house, enjoying the beautiful moon and calculating how much he would save on dry cleaning.


Zen Pudding

Prep: 12 min Bake: 30 min Oven: 350 degrees

4 beaten eggs
2 ¼ cups skim milk
1 tablespoon eternal nature
2 teaspoons Satori
½ cup packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons fat-free yoga
1 peeled haiku
3 cups self abandonment