FICTION - History of the Roman Empire, Ch. XI

originally published in PROSPECT
The Literary Arts Journal of Yale Divinity School, 2007

Introduction

As discussed in chapter ten, at her pinnacle in the 2nd century A.D., the Roman Empire stretched from the Italian Peninsula to the Middle East and from the British Isles south to Egypt and the palisades of Long Island. Spanning this immense empire were the glories of Roman civilization, including an organized system of roads, arched stone bridges and the popular Corinthian urinal with its ‘hands free’ flush, guaranteed to set the discerning Roman citizen apart from the ‘lever-flushing’ barbarian hordes.

The capitol city of Rome was not only the hub of politics, commerce and academia but also the arts, inspiring men like Cicero, Virgil and Pliny the Younger (not to mention Pliny the Even Younger). It was these notable writers and poets that bequeathed upon the world such prodigious works of literature as the Phillippics, the Aeneid and the immortal classic, the Metamorphoses, of which there were many Ovid fans. Yet amidst her many achievements, the Roman Empire, crown of the civilized world, gradually began the legendary decline and fall meticulously chronicled in the English historian Edward Gibbon’s monumental work, Rome for Dummies.

Of Bread & Circuses

Some historians (and Roman Empire buffs) speculate that Rome fell when the western leg of the Assyrian army tripped the empire as it marched on their countryside. Still others maintain that the Roman Empire was suffering from cultural decadence marked by hedonism and personal affluence, as well as the people’s insatiable thirst for violence and sex (surely, the best of times). The Roman historian Tacitus recounts having once visited Rome and mistakenly believed he was on the set of Fellini Satyricon.

Chariot racing at the Circus Maximus was a favorite national past time until a deluge of lawsuits filed against the infamous film maker, Cecillus B. Demillus forced the Roman Senate to outlaw the sport altogether. Still craven for entertainment, the Romans began throwing Christians to bloodthirsty lions at the coliseum. However, soon bored with this, Roman thrill-seekers began throwing lions to bloodthirsty Christians, especially Southern Baptists. Armed gladiators battled long hours with insufficient health care packages and little paid vacation until the teamsters helped them form the first union in recorded history. Coincidentally, Roman eunuchs attempted to form their own union but never succeeded, as they lacked the balls to stand up to their masters. Near the end of the Roman era, at the height of its cultural apathy, citizens resorted to watching third-rate talent shows where a panel of judges decided who would move on to be the ‘Roman Idol’.

Public bathing and catered orgies at the crowded temples of Eros (the goddess of Love) and Flagellus (the god of Self-Love) further demonstrated Rome’s obsession with sexual promiscuity and cocktail shrimp. The legendary rape of the Sabine women became a successful ‘made for TV’ movie starring John Ritter as well as a New York Times best selling book.

Of Caesars & Sovereigns

Power struggles and petty rivalries among the politicians, senators and military leaders of Rome caused considerable weakness within the empire, prompting a struggling screenwriter named Plutarch to write his Emmy nominated television series, Days of Our Lives of the Noble Greeks and Romans. Throughout the ages, the Roman Empire was ruled by many colorful personalities, each brandishing their own style of authoritarian rule.

Perhaps the most famous leader of the early Roman Republic was the noted general and scholar, Julius Caesar, who after winning a decisive battle at Zela dispatched his famous message to Rome, “veni, vidi, vici”, proclaiming, “I came, I saw, I got the t-shirt”. Later, Julius Caesar was betrayed and murdered by angry members of the Roman Senate who had warned him of the perils of borrowing ears from friends, Romans and countrymen, which initiated the Great Ear Shortage of 44 B.C.

Upon becoming the emperor of Rome, Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus, grandnephew of the aforementioned Julius Caesar accepted the lofty mantle of Caesar Augustus, or as he preferred to be called, Pontifex Maximus. Needless to say the befuddled Roman people began calling him simply, ‘that guy with the silly laurels in his hair’.
Despite humble beginnings as a nightclub comedian, the Roman statesman and praetor, Sid Caesar, so often amused the Senate with his speeches that he eventually broke into the amphitheatre and achieved notoriety with his groundbreaking show, Your Play of Plays.

Much later, a bourgeoning sect called Christianity became the official state religion under the reign of Emperor Constantine I, giving birth to a new era of bloody persecution where abortionists, homosexuals and liberal democrats were stoned, flogged and forced to watch the 700 Club with Pat Robertson. In a further attempt to secure a place in the annals of history, Constantine rebuilt Byzantium and moved his capitol there, renaming the city Constantinople. Coincidentally, in a similar edict, he rebuilt New Jersey, moved it across the George Washington Bridge and renamed it Trentonople.

Of Battles & Barbarians

Despite the empire’s inward cultural decay and lubricious line of eccentric Caesars, the fall and eventual destruction of Rome is often attributed to hordes of invading Goths, Visigoths and their distant cousins by marriage, the Barelygoths. The empire had become too vast to control; in every corner of the Roman frontier there was social unrest, prompting recent historians to speculate that a lack of sleep may have contributed to Rome’s demise.
After the death of Emperor Commudus in 192, military officers vied for the throne, causing further governmental weakness and susceptibility to foreign invasion. Amidst this political turmoil Vandals plundered North Africa while Persian armies made a complete Mesopatamia.

By 211 Hadrian’s Wall had begun to crumble (not to mention Hadrian’s Cookie) allowing warlike Scots to reclaim some regions of Britain and Gaul. Impressed by the ferocious warfare of the Scots, as well as their bizarre habit of painting their bodies before battle, Roman legionnaires called them Picts and later, Post Impressionists.

Eventually encroaching armies reached the heart of the empire and in the year 410, Visigoths sacked Rome (it was actually a brown paper bag) looting and pillaging the capitol city. Shortly thereafter, in 476 the Germanic chieftain Odoacer forced Romulus Augustulus, the last emperor of Rome, to give up his throne, walk with bound hands beneath the yoke of an ox and eat an entire jar of sour kraut, thus signifying the end of the lofty Roman Empire.

Conclusion

Though Rome has long been the victim of Antiquity (historical addendum: for her role in the crime, Antiquity was sentenced to three consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole) ancient Rome continues to influence Western civilization. One can ponder what our present world would be like without Caesar salads, without Roman numerals or noses or without the old saying, ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do’. And what devout moviegoer can imagine the cinema without the films of Roman Polanski? Even the sacred celebration of American independence on the fourth of July would lack luster without the traditional Roman candle to illumine the night sky. Could life ever seem as meaningful in the absence of the Roman Doric column or Goethe’s Roman Elegies?

The heritage of the Roman Empire persists in a plethora of magnificent ruins (albeit now in ruins), as well as in Shevelove/Gelbart and Sodheim’s stage classic, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Forum. The English language owes much to Latin, the language of the Romans, with such common phrases as persona non grata (unacceptable person), ad infinitum (without limits) and quid pro quo (quit while the quitting is good).

The decline and fall of Rome is a sordid, yet fascinating tale of a vast empire that for centuries ruled much of the known world (the unknown world was not on the market at that time) and subsequently influenced history and culture even to the present day.